A Very Tina Tuesday

Tuesday have been set aside to be my day off, so a Tuesday in the week of me sometimes is really interesting, but others consist of me eating an entire package of the cheapest biscuits (which are chocolate chip cookies in my case) sold at Tesco (Kroger equivalent) watching old Friends episodes and not changing out of my pajamas until just before Zoe gets home (that way I don’t look like a complete bum).   At orientation they had an entire day dedicated to talking about self-care. Encouraging us to take time to do what we need to for ourselves.  It’s so true that in the YAV year it can be easy to not take any time for yourself.  At the beginning of the year and still very often now, I offer my day off as an option to fit in some extra work or catch up on some I’ve fallen behind on.  I hear myself offer it as a day I can fill with meetings and tasks but really it’s a day I enjoy to be filled with nothing.  Tuesdays allow me to relax, not have anyone expecting me anywhere, a day to just be.  Lately I’ve been using them to read some books and dive into a different world.   In the future I would like to use them to attempt a longer run as I begin training to do some more endurance running.  Tune in tomorrow for my jam packed busy Wednesday =)

Not so Manic Monday

Monday’s are YAV meeting days.  It’s the one morning a week we all have set aside to come together and meet as a group with Doug.  It’s the way we check in with each other and with him.  A large part of this year is about living in community.  But our community is different then I imagined it being for many reasons.  The biggest is we are split around the city.  4 of the YAVs, Ellison, Erin, Liz, and Patrick all live on the other side of town, 2, others Karl and Kendra, live in a flat down the road, and Zoe and I together.  So we often have to go out of our way to really put ourselves into the community outside of our houses.   Living in community has been a completely different experience then any other I’ve had in life.  Its not merely living with others, it’s living INTENTIONALLY with others.   This involves more effort and patience then typical living arrangements.  We are the support system for each other in this new, far away land.  Sometimes its difficult to be as patient as needed with each other, but its all a learning process.  I will definitely miss the intentional community aspect when I go home.  Its indescribably pleasant to have people surrounding you who are going on a journey mirroring your own and who truly understand you, what you are experiencing, where you are coming from, and where you are going.  It’s nice to be learning and changing together.    Monday morning meetings are a time for us to share our experiences and tie those into the bigger picture.  Monday mornings remind us of the bigger picture we are working in and for.   Monday evenings are also a night where 3 of us always ensure we eat together.  Kendra, Zoe, and I cook and eat dinner together on Monday nights.  One way we are intentional and get time together.

Monday evenings after dinner, I am in charge of an adult Bible Study at Fortwilliam.  At first this was highly challenge. I’ve never actually led an adult bible study.  It did not take me long to learn an adult Bible Study is drastically different then a preteen to teen Bible Study. Go figure? At the start my crowd was very scattered and inconsistent.  It was quite difficult making plans not knowing if there would be 3 people or 8 people.  Currently we are attending a course called the Alpha Course offered by the Catholic Church who is in a partnership with Fortwilliam.  It’s only the second week in the course and I haven’t completely formed my opinion on it yet.  But I must say it’s very nice to have a consistently large crowd, its something I could get used to.

Earlier in the year but not since the New Year, Monday afternoons were reserved for a training meeting with 3 members of the Fortwilliam youth team (a name I kinda just made up) to discuss, understand, foster, and grow the restorative discipline in our Saturday night youth club.  We have stopped doing them because we all have so many other meetings and such to go to, but I must confess I miss them.  If the others are reading this, they will probably think I’m crazy.  But they allowed time to flesh out aspects of club that otherwise would not have been addressed so quickly or thoroughly.   I miss the deep analysis of what we were doing in club, or rather discussing it with others.  I still continue the deep analysis on my own, but that only takes you so far.  We discuss it in other meetings, but not with the same focus.  Although, I must admit, I do enjoy the easygoing Monday afternoon I have now.  No longer rushing for the bus to make it to the meeting but arriving late anyway. I can now spend a little extra time in City Centre, finishing some errands or spending some extra time with my fellow YAVs.

So that’s in a nutshell a Monday in my shoes.  Super glamorous right? Tune in tomorrow for Tina Tuesday!

The Worst of the Best

When you do the same thing for too long, no matter how much you enjoy it, it’s easy to find yourself in a rut: in a job, in a relationship, in life.  I feel my wheels starting to spin.  I have far more difficulty overcoming the frustration of a canceled print job spitting out 60 pages two days later, hiding the embarrassment of forgetting a hymn on the screens on a Sunday morning, or seeing the bigger picture of mindless tasks.  I have gotten too comfortable in my place here in Belfast.  I am no longer striving for the same level of excellence I did when I first got here.  Starting off so strong was impossible to sustain forever.  So its time for a change, its time to challenge myself again, less going with the flow and more action on my part.  I have 6 months left to make a difference in the organizations I am involved in, to leave my fingerprint.

 At YAV orientation all the former YAVs talked about wanting to be the best YAV ever going into their YAV year and how that often blew up in their face.  They put too much pressure on themselves.  I did not have that mindset at orientation, I did want to make the most of my YAV year but I was not so foolish as to think I would ever come close to being the best YAV ever.  It wasn’t until I got here that I DID become that foolish and decided I WAS going to be the best YAV ever.  It’s not until now, half way through, I realize being the best YAV is absolutely not what is important.  My fingerprint is not to be the best ever, just the best I can be.  My fingerprint should be like the scouts motto for camping, “Leave the campsite better then when you found it,” mixed with the army motto “Be all you can be.”   I came into the year subconsciously with that mindset.  I became a YAV to do something worthwhile and useful to make a change in the world.  Time to stop spinning my wheels, find some traction, and move. 

The vow to do more the rest of my year and keep going with a strong drive is not the only vow I wish to make in this post.  I have talked to multiple individuals this week about my blog and have been inspired to do a blog series.  I realize I was terrible at blogging in the beginning of the year and as a result what I actually do day to day is not completely clear and most of my blogs are quite vague. To make up for this blog failure next week I plan to blog daily beginning on Sunday describing my typical week, different individuals I work with who have affected me, throwing in some amusing and touching anecdotes I have meant to share.  So tune in again soon for a week in the life of Christina, Crystal, the Yank Tammen’s life. 

A little bit stronger

Healing implies a state of vulnerability.  Saying you are healing is admitting that something wounded you enough to bring you down.  So when is healing over? Is it over when things are back to normal? Or does the scar left by the harm mean the healing is never complete?  A constant battle with scar tissue, constant vulnerability.

Macrory Hall is finished and ready for use again.  We’ve worked through and our building is healed.  Now that we are moving forward with our projects in our natural home, I wonder exactly how much damage has been done.  It surely runs deeper then paint and tiles?  

Our youth club uses a strong restorative discipline and we have been working diligently at this discipline.  We have observed, discussed, and analyzed the current situation in club and gradually made changes to make club a better.  So much progress has been made. The difference can even be seen from one week to the next.

Yet, as I reflect how far club has come in the last few months, I can’t help but remember my first night at Macrory, before the break-in and vandalism.  The kids’ behavior couldn’t be described with any adjective comparable to good.  Much of the behavior could likely be accredited to their belief that they had the right to behave that way in their club, in their hall.  Most nights now I see them as completely different kids. So is all of this progress going to hold strong as we move back to our own hall? Or are we more damaged then we thought? Is our journey of healing longer then we thought? I guess only Saturday will tell.

The thing about wounds is most take a long time to heal, longer then we think.   Sometimes I forget that you can’t rush the process; it’s ok to be in the healing process.  Healing implies progress and it can’t be rushed.  So, here’s to healing, in the things in my own life I can’t control or change, healing in the lives of others as they struggle through the past and their current situations, and healing in the organizations I work with and have grown to love deeply as I watch different forces try to knock them around.  Care, love, and attention will see us all through.  Cheers

Its not as simple as looking in Webster.

Themes and concepts aren’t necessarily just things to study in books, plays, and art they are in fact a blatant presence in life.  Therefore it is really no surprise I find myself exploring and debating a theme that is of course a major part of my year and in life in general, Christian.  Not Christianity but the word Christian.  My name being a slight variation of this words I find myself angry with what it has become, what the MEANING has become.  Throughout the year I have heard many people discuss the meaning of “being a Christian” in many different ways.  Some laugh and joke about the extrinsic stereotypes of what they wear or the music they listen too.  But what the stereotype of “Christian” has become is in fact not a laughing matter, at least if based on how the world outside of Christianity views the self-identifying word the word is in trouble. 

In the states I could easily tell you the connotations that accompany someone identifying as a Christian and at first I thought they were different here in Belfast, but they are not.  If you tell someone outside of Christianity you are a Christian the automatic reaction is nearly always the same, distrust.  The pride I feel in my beliefs and my journey of faith is great but the pride I feel when I answer yes I am a Christian is absolutely lacking.   Recently, that dreaded question has plagued me more then before, likely because I am being asked more then ever before, yet if someone asks the question in a different way without the word Christian, I answer with ease and pleasure.  So what’s the meaning and connotations of the word Christian that are holding me back?

Sometimes those who also define themselves as Christian ask me innocently, but even then the connotations are ominous.  Am I in their club? Am I on their side of the line? As though admitting this word is all that matters and all it takes.  Generally no real questions or inquiries follow.  No real show of faith is required to satisfy these askers.  It’s a hollow question.  At youth club on the other hand it is a completely different story.  Its asked of the leaders nearly every week and now after a few months of being asked, I’ve tired of saying yes and instead have started asking questions back such as “Are you?” or even “What do you mean by Christian?” Usually the kids cannot or do not answer the second question.  This has led me to believe they are not asking me because they actually care about what I believe.  They ask in distrust.  They ask because they associate Christianity with force or with superiority.   People who self proclaim themselves loudly and boisterously as Christians usually are the ones who have given “Christian” it’s meaning; the loudest are the definers.  Sadly, the loudest are the ones condemning people to a fiery torment, and acting as though they have superior knowledge of the world and life because of their love of Jesus Christ, neither of these fostering any traces of respect or curiosity.  Neither of these furthering a cause anyone titled a Christian would want.

This concept and source of negative meaning is not a new discovery to me.  I realized long ago the meaning of our identifier is in trouble.  It is in trouble because those who want to share God’s love do not use the same lessons we were taught in kindergarten about sharing (and frankly that are taught in the scriptures).  Most attempt to force the belief on others rather then taking the time to really SHOW them God’s love and to listen rather then just teach.  We are not the superior beings.  What we believe is faith based so there is no reason to teach anything as fact or act as though we are wiser then others.  Solid truth is not the way most actually find happiness and peace in Christianity.  Its through exploration and faith.   

The weekend I heard Peter Rollins speak about Christianity (this is not exactly anything he said just a twist of one aspect on my own internal debate),  and he helped me put into words what I’ve been thinking for a long time, the real appeal to Christianity is not finding answers and a solid truth but instead the journey.  As humans we always want something more, most of the fun is in the chase not in the actual attainment of our wants.  When people look to religion what they really think they want are answers.  But if we have a solid answer is that really going to be happiness? Are we really going to be content to no longer question and doubt? I would say the answer is no.  We will always find someway to question and doubt so why not use this knowledge? The things we do not know for sure often do more for us then the things we actually know.  The joy of Christianity is faith.  It’s the hardest part but the most satisfying in the end.  Its human nature: once you have what you want you move on to want something else.  Christianity can offer an endless supply of more. It offers places to doubt, allowing places to expand, always presenting something more to want. 

The word Christian needs this spirit back.  When asked, “Are you a Christian?” I don’t want to feel as though I’m being asked if I’m a bully, a follower or part of the club but instead, an explorer.  I want the word to show the entire struggle I’ve been through.  Christina Tammen are you a Christian? Yes. I am a Christian. I have struggled and wrestled with God.  I have questioned.  I have searched for truth and have failed.  I have not found fact but faith.   I have taken the leap to believe in something more.  I am a Christian, no better and no worse then you.